AAAAAAAAAARRRGHGHGHHHHHHHHH!!!

I am told very often that I am screwed up in the head. Every second day I see that clichéd shake of head and hear the same fucking words that are so unbelievably stupid I can do nothing but laugh in return- not the loud booming laugh, but that twisted sound somewhere between insanity and desperation - “Brilliant brains, had she applied them somewhere worthwhile, she could have been anything today.”

I beg to draw your attention to that one word that makes all the fucking difference- COULD. I could have. But I did not. I am dubbed so many things- at times a wannabe, at times a dreamer, at times an idiot. One moment I am an angel from up there somewhere, and the next I am a pain in the arse. The scrutiny is so intense, and the observations so fucking minute that it has made me sit here at 2 a.m. in the fucking cold to write this shit, to wonder who I am.

Your snide glances and sniggers splutter out what you have been thinking- here’s this fucked up, addle-brained, disillusioned 21 year old who thinks we want to sit here while she pukes her gut out. I don’t want you here. I don’t want you any where near me because it is you who have made me what I have become today. This is what you always do.
You, with your ambitions and visions of creating a world so updated and modern that you don’t have to move a muscle again, and have all luxuries, and find a cure to all diseases, which ironically, are a result of your ambition and vision. So you are running around in a spiral that will never end. It’s like holding your pee in when there is a bathroom, right in front of you. That is stupid.

Me, I like simplicity. I like innocence. But your diagnosis of me is similar to that of a patient’s diagnosis by a not-so-qualified doctor. He knows fever, cold, and malaria so his diagnosis will be one of the three. But your real disease could be typhoid, which he doesn’t know about. And so you are always fucking sick.

I don’t care about this world you have created. I don’t care about the society, its systems, its governance. Because it makes no sense to me. You keep stalling your dreams and keep walking all your life, like a thirsty traveller would, towards a mirage. And so you are never happy, never content. But if I do not want to jump in this mad hole, I am termed a dreamer… I am told that I don’t know what I want, if I say I do not want the world. But the one thing that amazes the fucking daylights out of me is that you, with all your intellect fail to see what I, a frigging butt head can see so clearly.

Whoa… I sound angry don’t I? That’s because I am angry. I am angry because in screwing your lives, you have screwed mine as well. And that is a grudge I will always hold against you.