Jharkhand Traffic Rules (pun unintended)

Without frills, here is what I have observed of Ranchi traffic:

1. On an average, narrow road, there will rarely be at least one and usually all of the following:

a. Innumerable pot-holes
b. Iron rods that used to be part of a railway track protruding in the middle of the road to slash your car's tyres.
c. An auto-rickshaw parked smack in the middle of the road
d. 2-3 people peeing rather conspicuously
e. A cop (details in point 4)
f. A group of Deeghambar (nudist) Jainis.
g. Formation of 4 lane-drives by rickshaw-pullers so that you have to trudge along behind them.



2. People hang their clothes out to dry on circles that stand in the middle of the busiest crossings in the town, usually with a statue enclosed within them. I have seen towels, baby cloth diapers, shirts and so on hanging over dried, brittle flowers put a few millennia around some idol's neck. The show-stealer was a battered pair of underwear left to dry on the statue's outstretched arm.



3. As a vehicle-owner in Ranchi, you have the following rights:

a. You may drive anywhere. People WILL stop for you. (more of this in point 5)

b. You may park anywhere. You are the public. You own all public property. Moreover, if somebody has parked on the road and is obstructing traffic, it is your right to double park at the same spot, as long as you leave just an inch short of enough space for the next car to move ahead.

c. You can spit out tobacco or paan or anything you may be eating out of your window, while driving, without concerning yourself with who may be driving right behind you on a scooter or in a car, with the windows rolled down.

d. If you own a two-wheeler, no traffic rules apply for you. You don't have to consider one-ways, red-lights, no u-turns, indicators given by vehicles in front of you or even dividers- yeah, that's right, just jump over them.



4. Traffic cops in Ranchi have very well-defined job descriptions. If you are a male cop, you will spend your time alternatively mauling your crotch and digging your nose out. Cops have been known to do both. You will glance casually at people driving past you on the wrong side or without helmets and so on. We understand that the job can be tedious and draining and it is completely natural for you to disappear without any explanations, while the crowd goes berserk.

If you are a female cop, congratulations. It means you have been selected from among the multitude of women who are so clever they stand right in the middle of the road while attempting to dictate traffic. We know you are utterly helpless at managing people, which is why you have been recruited. There are a few passengers who try to caution the driver about the cop stopping the traffic from their end. To which, the standard reply s "Ladies police hai."

There, you have been given a satisfactory explanation.


5. Finally, in a place with similar traffic conditions, one would expect countless accidents, brawls, and arguments. But not Jharkhand. See, despite nobody caring about anything but getting from point A to point B conveniently- occasionally stopping at points C and D for vegetables or other errands- each driver understands that the others think along the exact same lines. Therefore, nobody would mind if you cut across in front of them from the wrong side or if you stop the car suddenly in the middle of the road to take a call. It is ALL ALLright.

Jai Jharkhand!

Vampire-Friendly

The book Twilight- the story of which has been described briefly here - has raised several questions in my mind, the least of which is my unexplained obsession with it. It is, by all standards a very average book. The story is the kind that would appeal to a 16- year old silly girl who would read, starry-eyed, about the beautiful vampire and his deep and passionate feelings for what is essentially his meal- a girl. It would appeal to the teenage hormones because it would be the perfect imaginary prince that every girl dreams about- for whom she would be the focus of all life and the universe. Which is why I am disturbed by the fact that the book has found its way into my mind as well- 23 years old; not an encouraging sign for someone trying very hard to grow up and be sensible. This book made me realize that growing up is a lost cause and so I could happily indulge in guilt-free bakwas.

Now that the maturing issue has been dealt with, I have thought of a few ups and downs that would accompany my knowing a vampire. The good news first.

1. I would be able to actually hit somebody hard with my baseball bat, since vampires are supposed to be very strong. It would enable some use to my beautifully dangerous piece of wood that has been lying around useless since the time I bought it. What fun that would be! “Mr. Vampire, I am feeling disgruntled about nothing in particular. Would you please come over so I can vent my anger by smashing my baseball bat against you?” For an almost zen-like calm!

2. It would be so much easier to travel the world- piggy ride all the way! I had recently had to struggle for a couple of months to arrange for finances that I needed to show in order to travel to a foreign land. When I couldn’t I had to deal with the disappointment of not being able to go. Imagine being above all the visa and foreign law hassles. “I feel like visiting Germany for the Oktoberfest this year. Mr. Vampire, would you please give me a piggy-back ride to Munich?” Pack your bag, and be there in record time!

3. No need to share your food with a vampire. If, of course he can resist killing you and that could be a concern for you. But overlooking the minor detail, I know who I would take with me when I wanted a no-sharing gluttony experience. At the movies, where friends invariably and much to my irritation must always want a fistful of popcorn from my bucket, a long swig from my pepsi; no, no make that my DIET PEPSI and must always want to taste my precious nachos. With a vampire, all you need to do is rob a blood bank for a few units of blood, put it in a plastic glass with a straw and hand it to the vampire. No desire on either side to taste what the other is having. What a perfect life!

4. A vampire friend would give me interesting insight into the life of people all through the ages that an average, 200-year old vampire would have seen. And if by any luck he is even older, he could be able to tell you how Cleopatra was not very pretty or the inside gossip about Napolean’s well-publicized fear of cats. Imagine a world where history is not dull!

But there would be the cons as well.

1. On the flip-side, there is the obvious and persistent death-threat. A vampire would be lured to your scent at all times and in the given scenario, it would be inadvisable to take a bath so as to not make the scent stronger and therefore your life, shorter. The arrangement suits me fine during the cold, winter months but summers would be a definite problem.

2. The danger to my life would be heightened by the fact that I check my blood sugar at least 4 times a day. Prick; blood out; oops! Sorry Mr. Vampire, would you mind putting on the scent-obstructer around your nose and mouth that I have kept for the purpose?
Not checking my blood sugar would also mean death, though it would be a slower and a more unpleasant form of it.

Evaluating each side, the pros do seem to overshadow the cons. Any vampire out there, reading this post, kindly add me on FB. I will be the one, whose "looking for" detail on the FB info bit would say "vampire friends".